It's mid-November already. Wow. Time really does fly when you get older.
I haven't written or blogged in such a long time.
Today I spent some time out and about by myself and did a lot of thinking. My life has changed a great deal in a year and a halfish. Today was difficult for me. I have been very ... depressed...maybe? I'll use that term LIGHTLY.
I sat in the parking lot and remembered the reason I drank so much last year. Because sometimes life sucks. Then I asked myself what the fuck was wrong with me. I am pregnant, and NO I wouldn't drink.(OH by the way...IM PREGNANT. I'll get to that later.) I'm not THAT down. I just had familiar feeling. Being alone all the time is probably what is doing it to me. January 2013 was a turning point for me. I cut ties with my past and moved on. As terrifying as that was, I did it and it has worked out in my favor I must say.
Ya'll a tornado has come down, once again, and flipped my world upside down.
I started seeing someone who lives about 6 hours away. It seemed like a fantastic idea! Distance- I have someone there, but I can keep them at arms length. Know what I mean? I'll let you in on my terms, not serious, occasional dating.
Riiiiiiiiiight----- then these things called feelings came in and screwed that all up. I fell for this guy. Hard. I'm not even kidding when I tell you on multiple occasions I asked myself what the hell I was doing. It wasn't just a fall. It was a stupid, fall on your face, completely jumble your brain up, can't think about anything else fall. So I decided to just go with it. HA. Little did I know things would get much more complicated than just falling in love with someone from friggin' Kansas. No, lets try throwing a pregnancy card in there. Super.
July 1, 2013 - After being sick for a few days and my monthly visitor not coming on time (even though I basically told my uterus she had better get her shit together and make something happen), Krystin told me I was pregnant.
No. No way. No how. NO. But she insisted. So I took a test. At work. Of all places. And stared at those two pink lines for a long time with tears in my eyes. I was pregnant.
Most of you know the trouble I went through trying to get pregnant. For years. Half of me was stupid happy and the other half just kept saying "Oh shit."
The next few minutes I spent trying to figure out what to do. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? I made that dreaded phone call and told him. It took him a little while to come around.
The beginning of the pregnancy was terrible. I was sick all the time and did not think I was going to stay pregnant. A few trips to the ER and Doctors with complications convinced me I was going to lose this baby. I was completely devastated. I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to yell it to the world, but I did not want to get excited about something that I had wanted for so long just turn around and have it slip through my finger tips. But he made it. That's right, it is a he! I am having a little boy! Yay! Now I am six months pregnant. It took me all of these six months to really believe I'm pregnant and now he's almost here.
Six months pregnant.
You know, I had these plans. Being married, being set somewhere and starting my family. Not being divorced, working part time, living with my mom, definitley not dating someone six hours away. I guess that is the way things go.
It is all very hard on me emotionally. I spend a lot of time alone. I am alone. Pregnant and alone. That is not a good feeling. I think that is the part I am struggling with the most at the moment. This is supposed to be something you do with your SO. The next would be my plans after my son is born. I have no idea what I am going to do. None. I was and am unprepared. I am taking this one day at a time and plastering this grin on my face on days I don't even want to leave my house.
I never have been the person to let things bother me. I have always, always, always been the tough one. But I am scared. SCARED.
All of that being said, I am so very thankful, so very happy and so excited that I am finally getting the one thing I wanted most out of life. To be a mom.
I will figure this out, though. I will make it work one way or the other. I am stuck, I really can't move forward until I have this baby. I am just waiting and driving myself crazy for March 2nd- ish so I can decide just what it is we are going to do. Unfortunatley until then I am stuck with all these emotions that I can't do a darn thing about. HAHA.
